So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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