I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
