A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
