We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
