she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
