I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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