I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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