oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
