Moan for me like Helen Keller
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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