well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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