Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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