I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
jump out the window naked night went bad
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