I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
