I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
