Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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