Where are you?
In a non slutty way
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We're too hungover to prance.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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