I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
