So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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