when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
