I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
