Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
