mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
