How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
this is an emotional support booty call
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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