**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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