If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
