Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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