by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
