I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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