Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
