he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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