sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
