I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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