So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
this is an emotional support booty call
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
