Cold hands, warm shart.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
