the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
