I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
how drunk are you?
Several
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
