I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
