I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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