the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
