1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize