weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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