who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
3pm strippers are depressing
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
