I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
