Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
