Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
