God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize