I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize