just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
