There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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