I think im going to throw up on grandma
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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