i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
