There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
