We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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