She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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