i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
