If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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