sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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