I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
