I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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