You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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