there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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