Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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