You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
