I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize