his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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