i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
