I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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