I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She announced her abortion via fbk
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
