the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
