His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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