Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize