we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
